Just a Schism

Girl 2 and 3: … (end of “Birthday Song”) Happy Birthday to you!
Girl 1: You guys are too nice. Thank you so much.
Girl 2: We all got together and baked you a cake. We want you to have the first piece since you’re the birthday girl.
Girl 1: Aww girls… wow. That’s so nice, but I just started a new diet and I’m going to have to pass.
Girl 3: Come on, you don’t have to eat much… how about just a little schism?
Girl 1: Oh, I can’t. Even a schism would be too much.
Girl 2: A harmless little schism never hurt anybody.
Girl 1: I’m not going to make any progress on this diet if I’m not fully committed. Listen, thank you, but no thanks.
Girl 3: Listen we’re not trying to shove anything down your throat. Just have a schism and enjoy your birthday.
Girl 2: Maybe you don’t understand. I stayed up all night perfecting a hand-made vanilla icing to celebrate your day of birth. I made three cakes and this one was the best, so I really, really think you should try it.
Girl 1: I’m sorry, girls. You’ve done a lot. OK, I’ll have just a schism.

by Kyle Chorpening and CC Pearce

Primordial

1 In the beginning, the Singular created eternal euphoric and insipid globular.

2 And spherically empty and formless, profoundly dark and abysmally deep existing. Thus aquatic ebbing, saturating globular.

3 And Singularly commanded once: “Luminous and lustrous, fluorescent and flashing, radiant and resplendent, blaze brilliantly!” And from opaque surged lambent swelling into effulgent.

Jerry McGuire Scene in Passive Voice

Jerry: Your getting rid of me will not be allowed by me. How about that? Tonight, a very big night was had by our company, our little business. But it wasn’t complete. It wasn’t even close to being in the same vicinity as complete because my ability to share it with you was not able to be had. Without you, the ability to laugh about it was not had by me. My wife is missed by me. My wife is missed… by me. You are loved by me. I am completed by you.

Dorothy: Your ability to shut up is demanded by me. I was had by you at “hello.”

Breathless

1: The sea took my breath away.

2: Why? What did you see?

1: I saw the sea and it took my breath away.

2: Can you breath?

1: I am breathing.

2: I can see you’re breathing. I didn’t see the sea take your breath away.

1: I breathed. Then the breathing was taken. Then I breathed again.

2: I didn’t see it.

1: Had you seen me rather than the sea, you would have seen the sea take my breath, rather than seeing the sea breeze.

2: The sea doesn’t breathe.

1: I said breeze, not breathe.

2: Oh, I see.

Stylistics

So there's this class. And I'm in it. And it's called Stylistics. And in this class, the students manipulate the English language in a way that is entertaining to an audience.

And that's what this blog is all about - manipulating the English language in new and innovative ways to entertain the masses. Grammar, parts of speech, passive voice, etc. can be used to transform the way you think about English.

Enjoy.

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