Girl 2 and 3: … (end of “Birthday Song”) Happy Birthday to you!
Girl 1: You guys are too nice. Thank you so much.
Girl 2: We all got together and baked you a cake. We want you to have the first piece since you’re the birthday girl.
Girl 1: Aww girls… wow. That’s so nice, but I just started a new diet and I’m going to have to pass.
Girl 3: Come on, you don’t have to eat much… how about just a little schism?
Girl 1: Oh, I can’t. Even a schism would be too much.
Girl 2: A harmless little schism never hurt anybody.
Girl 1: I’m not going to make any progress on this diet if I’m not fully committed. Listen, thank you, but no thanks.
Girl 3: Listen we’re not trying to shove anything down your throat. Just have a schism and enjoy your birthday.
Girl 2: Maybe you don’t understand. I stayed up all night perfecting a hand-made vanilla icing to celebrate your day of birth. I made three cakes and this one was the best, so I really, really think you should try it.
Girl 1: I’m sorry, girls. You’ve done a lot. OK, I’ll have just a schism.
by Kyle Chorpening and CC Pearce
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